Things that come as a surprise to absolutely no one: I’ve had exactly no downtime since Saturday morning! There are so many things I want to write about: Baby Bear’s birth story, how he’s doing now, all my thoughts on these incredible changes, but I’m fully aware that I couldn’t begin to tackle those topics in the ten or so minutes I have before he wakes up.
So what I will say is this: I spent so much time while being pregnant worrying about all the work and responsibility that come along with having a baby. For a long time, I thought that having a baby sounded kind of awful. And it’s true: when you describe the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the fear and confusion and inadequacy that mothers feel every time their child cries… it does sound awful.
But here’s the thing. It isn’t awful, not one bit. It’s wonderful. It’s so incredibly wonderful that I can’t even find words to describe it, and maybe that’s part of why I didn’t understand it until a few days ago.
I was mentally prepared for so many different reactions to his birth. I wasn’t sure if I would feel a strong bond with him immediately or if it would take time to develop, and I tried very hard not to put pressure on myself to feel a certain way.
But seeing his face for the first time was one of the happiest moments of my life, and since Saturday, there’s hardly been an hour when I haven’t been near delirious with joy.
Chad and I have a saying that’s equally applicable when things are good and when they’re not: This is a happy moment. During labor, when I was in so much pain that I couldn’t see straight or form a coherent thought, he was there by my side, reminding me that all the pain was for the most wonderful reason there could be.
And he was so right: This is a happy moment. Even when we’re up all night, even when the baby is crying, even when we’re scared and uncertain. Those are happy moments, and I’m going to do my best to remember that and appreciate them.
This little baby is only three days old, and I’m already realizing that in a few weeks, he won’t be as tiny as he is now, and in a few months, he’ll have changed so much. A few weeks ago, the thought of him growing up didn’t bother me, and now it feels like it could break my heart.
But I have more to be grateful for right now than ever before in my life, and I am so, so happy that he came into this world safely and that he’s ours.
So: More soon. But for now, I am just so, so, so very happy.