May 18th, 2015
Thank you guys so much for your wonderful responses to my most recent career post. I talked about how to find mid-career motivation when you’re at a crossroads, and it all boiled down to one simple piece of advice: Find something challenging that matters.
Since that post, I’ve gotten so many comments and emails from you guys, and they made me so, so incredibly happy. It means so much to me when I hear from you all, and I’m thrilled to have touched on a topic that matters to so many of you.
But as I thought about that last post, it occurred to me that in some ways, it wasn’t a career post at all.
Because the flip side is this: Parenting is challenging too. And it matters just as much.
One of my hesitations in writing about my career is this: there’s a fine line between encouraging and supporting women’s careers and getting into the working-mom vs. stay-at-home-mom debate. And that debate isn’t one that I’m particularly interested in joining. Why? Because they are both valid life choices. I don’t care which one is right for you. But I do want every woman to have the opportunity to pursue the one that she chooses.
And maybe that’s the best lesson of all. Because finding the path that’s right for you doesn’t always mean becoming the CEO of a company, or devoting yourself entirely to your family. It can mean both, or neither. And realizing that the answer may be different for every single woman (every single person) out there… well, I think that’s the right place to start.
May 7th, 2015
A few weeks ago, after I wrote this post, I got an email from a reader asking me to write about a different career topic, one that really resonated with me. She asked if I had any advice for tackling those mid-career moments when you struggle with motivation and direction:
I’m a longtime reader (I found your blog via Ramshackleglam years ago!) and loved your recent post on wearing red for a confidence boost; I was wondering if you had any further advice that have helped you with your career or still follow to this day. I’m not in the legal world but I would love to hear any tips you have on how to navigate a demanding job without losing motivation or feeling overwhelmed by everything. Or even how you managed your time to successfully run a blog and write three books on top of being a lawyer!
My first year in my current role was fantastic as I had so much to learn, but now that I can navigate things easily I’m not sure how best to hone other ‘professional’ skills, or even show my managers I am ready to work at a higher level. So this was just in case you had been thinking about writing more work-related posts – yes please! 🙂
I thought about this a lot, and get ready, pour some coffee, because, man, I have a lot to say.
In some ways, it’s easier to be relatively junior in many fields. Sure, the hours are long, but in most jobs, for the first years, someone tells you what to do.
Sure, there’s a reason for that: you don’t have the training and experience to know exactly how to do everything, yet. So your job (even in a very challenging career) initially is more task-oriented. The downside is that you’r often working really hard, long hours, but the upside is that you have a pretty good sense of what’s on your plate at any given moment.
But here’s the thing no one tells you: that changes. If you stick with it for a while, suddenly you’re not the one taking orders anymore. You’re giving them.
That’s a little terrifying.
And it’s also completely amazing.
Here’s the thing: it’s a scary thing to be in charge. But at the same time, being in charge means that, suddenly, your work feels incredibly important. For me, it marked the moment when my job became a career. It was when my work stopped feeling like work and started feeling like a vital, integral part of my life.
And you know what? It wasn’t the moment that I started my own practice. It would be easy if it were; that’s a clean story. “All I had to do was start my own business, and then I was the boss and everyone lived happily ever after, the end.” But that’s not the real answer.
The real answer is: it happened at moments, off and on, at different points in my career.
Here’s one example. When I was about three years out of law school, I worked on a case that exploded from a relatively small, discrete project into almost a year of non-stop work with dozens of people tackling different parts of it. I was a third year associate, and found myself suddenly managing a team of a dozen other associates who were only one or two years junior to me. This wasn’t because I’m an exceptionally good lawyer, although I’d like to think that was part of it. It was partly luck, and it was partly because I’d worked really hard at the beginning of the case to make myself indispensable to the partners who were in charge of the case, and they’d decided I could do it.
Overnight, my role was flipped. Usually, as a junior person, you’re the one asking all the questions. But suddenly, I was the one answering them. I was saying “yes” and “no” and deciding what got passed along to the partners at my firm and the client, who were trusting me to manage the small stuff myself and know when to consult them on the big stuff. It was terrifying, and it was really, really cool.
And I felt like what I was doing was important. People were depending on me. I’d check my blackberry at 3 a.m. not because I was scared that I’d get into trouble if I didn’t, but because I felt like my input mattered to the work we were doing.
But. You know there was going to be a ‘but’, right?
That moment didn’t last forever. A year later, that case had ended, and I was still working long, hard hours, I wasn’t as excited about them as I’d been before. I didn’t want to spend five more years getting back into that same leadership role that I’d stumbled into by accident. I loved the people I worked with, and I still had the same job, same title, and yet something had changed. It was the kind of high-stakes, demanding job that required you to give 100%, 24/7. And there’s no way to do that if your heart isn’t there. There just isn’t.
People sometimes hear that you should love your job, and they think it means that work should be all fun, all the time. “I love windsurfing and I’m supposed to love my job, so I guess I’m meant to be a professional windsurfer! Whee!”
But the best job isn’t going to be fun all the time. It’s going to be hard and challenging and sometimes require effort you don’t feel like you have. You’re going to beat your fists against walls and feel like you have no idea how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Those are really hard moments.
So where do you go from there? How do you figure out when you’re in that moment, and what you can do to change it?
When this reader wrote to me, she asked about finding career motivation and feeling overwhelmed. But those are two completely separate things.
I feel overwhelmed all the time. I have a career and a family and a house and two dogs and this blog. Some days, that’s a little overwhelming. I think it’s ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes. And I think it’s ok to admit it.
But the motivation side isn’t a question: it’s the answer. I have a very demanding job. But my career motivation doesn’t stem from winning and losing, or from the excitement of going to court, or the adrenaline of negotiation. Some of that is part of it. But what motivates me are two things.
My work is challenging and I think what I do is important.
That’s it. That’s the secret to loving your job. I can give it to you in five words.
Find something challenging that matters.
It doesn’t bother me that the work is difficult; I like hard work. But that work has to matter. It doesn’t have to matter to anyone else. It doesn’t have to be high-paying or glamorous. But it has to matter to me.
For me, those two are enough. They’re where my heart is. When I check those two boxes every day, I feel good when I go to sleep at night. Even when I’m stressed out or overwhelmed or unsure of what to do next. And on the flip side, when I’ve gone through moments in my career without those, I’ve lost motivation.
When I started thinking about this post, I thought that my answer was going to be: I can’t tell you what motivates you.
But, actually, I think I can.
Find work that’s challenging and that matters. To you, not to anybody else. Look deeply into your heart and your gut and if you don’t like what you’re doing, then change something. And then change something else. Keep going until your vision is crystal clear.
It doesn’t mean everything will be easy. In fact, it probably means the exact opposite. You will work harder if you approach your career this way, but it will be because you want to. It will be for yourself (even if you aren’t the boss). You will be choosing it because it matters to you.
Almost six years ago, I ran a marathon, and I used to joke that the secret to marathon training was this: You get to the point where you want to stop running. And then you just keep running. And pretty soon, you’ll have run a marathon.
But I think I was a little bit wrong. Sure, that was part of it. You can’t run a marathon if you stop after a few miles. You have to keep running.
And yet it was more than that. I came across a moment in life when I wanted to run a marathon, and I chose to run a marathon. The motivation to keep running was completely secondary: the choice was to run the marathon in the first place. After I made that choice, all I had to do was put one foot in front of the other.
In a lot of ways, running that marathon was the best piece of life training I’ve ever gotten.
And I think it’s also the best advice I can give. Commit to your career like you’re choosing to run a marathon. Turn left or right, slow down, ice your knees, hobble along, sprint for a little while and then crawl if you have to. But just keep running.
Photo credit: Kate Robinson
April 29th, 2015
I have to tell you guys about the day I had yesterday.
So, first thing’s first: Bear wakes up at 6 a.m. on the dot, before the sun even rose. I get up, feed him breakfast, and go upstairs to play with his toys for an hour or so before school, and out the window I catch a glimpse of this incredible sunrise:
Look at that.
And just as I’m about to contemplate the meaning of the universe and the incredible, vibrant, amazing creations of our planet… it’s time to drop Bear off at school and head…
To hair and makeup for a photoshoot.
And not just any photoshoot! Houston Magazine is featuring me as a Power Lawyer this summer, which is a really big deal for my law practice! We’ve been putting the pieces together for this photoshoot for a few months, and I was so excited when the day finally came along.
So, off to the salon for two hours of getting camera-ready.
Can I please look like this all the time? That hair! Oh my goodness.
Truthfully, I was a little nervous about the photoshoot because I’ve done a lot of them for this blog and sometimes they’re great and sometimes they’re terrible. It sounds crazy to say that getting all dolled up in hair and makeup and having someone take your picture can be terrible (and, obviously, I mean “terrible” in a very #firstworldproblems kind of way), but sometimes creative people have different visions and when you have a photographer and a shoot coordinator and hair and makeup people who are all creative and each have their own way to do things… well, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But this one was important to me, and I wanted it to be great.
And it was.
It was awesome. We had a great photographer, and everyone was on the same page, and once we’d settled on what I was wearing, an hour later, boom, we were done.
Oh, did you think that was all? Not even remotely. So… onto the next part of my day.
But, yup, this crazy day continued. Because next, I was headed to a fashion show! Houston designer David Peck was showing his spring collection at his new flagship space, so I headed off to see his beautiful show and see some fellow Houston fashion bloggers.
The show itself was stunning, and you know me: if I can sip prosecco at noon on a Tuesday, I’m a pretty happy girl. Throw in the fabulous company of Caroline, Candace and Lyndsey, and some beautiful clothes, and David is lucky I ever left his showroom, because, man, that was a fun afternoon.
After that, I had a few hours of time while Bear was at school to squeeze in my actual work, which I won’t spend a lot of time detailing, but I think it’s important to remember that, even during a particularly glamorous day, there was also quite a bit of time devoted to my real work, which are less-glam things like conference calls, drafting discovery, case development and strategy, and a lot more. It’s easy to pick a day when I had something monumental, like a photoshoot, to highlight my law practice, but the truth is that the most important part of my work is the day-to-day time I spend tackling issues that are important to my clients.
And then, a few hours later, six o’clock rolled around, and I picked Bear up, changed into some baby-friendly, washable clothes, put on my glasses, and spent an hour like this:
And, you know what?
It was the best day.
It was my whole life, collapsed into a single day. It was life as a lawyer melting into life as a blogger melting into life as a mom, all in the space of about twelve hours.
When I started my law practice, I decided to make an effort to talk about my career more on this blog. That felt like an important decision for me, because for a long time it felt like I was being pulled in two different directions: part of me was juggling this high-intensity career where I worried that if people knew about my blog, it would make me seem less professional or less driven. And the other part of me was juggling this glamorous, crazy life in the fashion world where I worried that being a lawyer was somehow “uncool.”
But a little over a year ago, I made a conscious choice to be open about both sides of my life. Yes, some days I go from law to fashion and back again. Some days, I sit in front of my computer all day long, writing briefs and responding to emails, and that’s not more or less “cool” than attending a fashion show, it’s just a different kind of day. Truthfully, I like them both.
And at the beginning and the end of the day, I sneak in some precious moments with our baby boy. Even if I’m bleary-eyed at 6 a.m. if I have to put my newly-coiffed hair into a ponytail so it doesn’t get pulled by messy baby fingers. That part of my day is incredibly important too.
So I wanted to share it with you guys. Because you see a lot of discrete parts of my day-to-day on this blog, but I thought this was a particularly good day to show how everything gets weaved together. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard, but that’s the thing about balance: sure, it takes effort. But it’s so incredibly worth it.
April 27th, 2015
Last week, Chad and I went to Costa Rica!
Remember how I asked you guys for vacation ideas? Well, I was listening. About a week after getting so many amazing suggestions from y’all, I cancelled the trip that I’d planned (to the same spot in Mexico we’d gone to in October) and decided we were heading someplace new.
And it was such an awesome trip. Costa Rica has been on our list of places we’d like to visit since around our honeymoon, but somehow we never made it there, even though it’s less than three hours from Houston. But as I was thinking about where we liked to go, a few of you chimed in about it, and I decided that this was our chance.
One thing I really love about Houston is that it’s amazingly easy to travel from here as a home base. In about three hours, I can be in Manhattan, Los Angeles, or sitting on a beach in Mexico. It’s sort of a pipe dream because spending even a few days away from Bear is hard, but I also try to remind myself that someday soon, he can come with us. He’s too little to appreciate it now, but one of my biggest dreams for him is to have him experience different cultures around the world, and I can’t wait to get started.
I have a few more pictures (all from my iPhone, which is a story of its own) that I’ll share later this week, but for now let me say: Happy Monday!
April 20th, 2015
Dear Baby Bear,
This weekend, we celebrated your first birthday.
I know. I can’t believe it either.
How is it possible that you’re a year old already? It feels like moments ago when I was was nine months pregnant and couldn’t wait for you to arrive, so nervous and scared and naive about the year we were about to be thrown into.
And now you’re a year old. You’re not an infant anymore, and you’re hardly a baby. You’re just on the border of toddlerhood, the same person you’ve always been, and different every day. It’s been a year of watching you grow and change in so many ways, with me just trying to just hold on and keep up.
The night of your birthday party, we sat in your rocking chair before bed, like we always do. And for a moment, I thought about those early days, when you were too tiny to even hold your head up and all you wanted was to snuggle and feel safe and warm in my arms. And I hugged you closer, because you’re so much bigger now but you’re still that same baby to me. You always will be.
This year has been so incredibly wonderful And it’s also been so incredibly hard. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if having a baby was hard or wonderful, like it had to be one or the other. But it’s always been both. Every single day, it’s been both at the exact same time. It was the toughest year I’ve ever had. And it was also the best year of my life.
There were nights holding you in my arms when I wanted to just stop time forever, to pause that moment and spend eternity there. The joy of watching you grow up is impossible to even describe, and even now, after a year, it all felt like it went by too fast. Some days felt like they’d never end, but this year passed in the blink of an eye.
More than anything, though, I’m so grateful that you’re part of our family. Your entry in our lives was like nothing I’ve ever experienced, and the best way I can explain it is this: The love that I have for you is so immense that it’s made me love everything in the world a little bit more. You opened up my heart in a completely new way, and I will forever be grateful for it.
At your party, some of my friends with older kids told me that a baby’s first birthday is for the parents to celebrate making it through the first year. And we did. We made it, and we celebrated.
It was the toughest year.
It was the best year.
Happy birthday, Baby Bear. We love you so much.